The Missing Slags, Poofs and Sods of London 2012

It’s funny how paranoid governments and corporations are about sharing something useful. Like the fact that cloud seeding is responsible for the now impeccable London weather or that Ronald McDonald will retire after the Olympics. Instead, they tell us everything we do not give a toss about.

The official reporter’s notebook for London 2012, which is sponsored by McDonald’s and filled with paper as thick as card stock (impractical, expensive and strange), is filled with 12 useless pages about McDonald’s, the Olympics and London.

We learn that Marina Malykh “joined McDonald’s in 2000 and in 2004, she helped open the first McDonald’s in Sochi” and that, on Aug. 7, 2012, the McDonald’s chef demonstration will “focus on quality ingredients that help fuel the athletes.”

The only moderately useful part of the 12-count insert is a half-page given to British phrases. But they even mucked that up. According to McDonald’s these are the terms tourists need to survive Britain:

I saw sarnie used for the first time on sign on the South Bank yesterday — I’ve been here for more than a year; no one under 70 says cheerio; I’ve never asked for a gherkin; I’ve never heard a Brit refer to a copper as a bobby; and no one’s ever told me to go to the zebra crossing. If you’re coming to London 2012 and you’re going to spend some time outside the McDonald’s headquarters, you’ll need to know these words and phrases:

Shag — knockin’ boots

Fuck off — leave me alone

Bullocks — bullshit

Slag — an indiscriminate shag

Wanker, knob, tosser — jerk, asshole, dickhead

Got the ump — in a mood so fuck off

Have a go, row — fight

Tart — precursor to slag

Nutter — lunatic

Sod — moron

Sod it — screw it

Squaddies — military

Poppy — bum air

Snogging — sucking face

Scouser — someone from Liverpool

Poof — inclined toward same-sex interludes

Although not as proper as the phrases approved by the corporate chain of command, these are much more practical. But, I suppose if you’re the type to strike up a chat with a bobby, it won’t matter anyway. Sod it. Good luck finding your way on the Tube.