According to the Chateau Impney site, it is “one of the premier hotels in the Heart of England specialising in conferences, banquets and exhibitions for customers seeking a value with a style all of its own. It is independently owned and operated and is the life-work of its management team.”
I doubt the management team will be offended by my review as they’re all Eastern European, making it impossible for the Chateau Impney to be their “life-work.” Located in Droitwich, England, the Chateau Impney is a hole, a bit of a cross between “Night of Living Dead” and “Slam Dunk Grandma*.”
Beautiful on the outside, this French chateau is surrounded by 155 acres of lakes, waterfalls, and other natural wonders difficult to navigate via cane, walker or motorized chair. On the inside, it’s a retirement home in the midst of an identity crisis. I assume the hideous entrance on the side was added during the unfortunate 70s and all interior renovations were complete by 1962.
My room overlooked the roof but was without minimally opening windows, a clear indication of the hotel’s target audience. What 70-year-old has the energy for suicide? The bathroom was carpeted, the appliances baby blue, the towel racks heated. The room —the building — was so hot I woke up in the in middle of the night with intense dry mouth I haven’t had since college.
Purses, scarves and jewelry (gag) are sold at random intervals throughout the hotel.
The trinkets outnumber the guests. The bar is in the basement, but not to worry my chair bound alcoholic friends! Chateau Impney has the first device EVER MADE to get wheel chairs up and down stairs.
The bar is brilliant, colored liquids in unnamed bottles, loads of denture friendly appetizers, a 60th and 70th birthday party. The night really kicked off when the birthday girl fell asleep. Riveting.
The room key may have been the highlight. Attached to a piece of wood the size of my forearm, this multipurpose key ring not only makes it impossible to lose a key, it also wards off muggers. Unbelievable.
This place could be cool but it’s a place time forgot. A big thank you Chateau Impney for introducing me to what life will be like in 40 years. I’m really looking forward to it.
*Slam Dunk Grandma aired at least 15 years ago. It was a news special about abuse in retirement homes. The orderlies “slam dunked” the elders from wheelchair to bed. Sick and likely uncomfortable. I can’t find a link. Apologies.
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